Postpartum

Today I am 6 weeks and 3 days postpartum.  Wow, has it really been that long since I had such a wonderful, perfect, precious little boy?  They say that some women go crazy during pregnancy, some women go crazy after they have the baby but I'm here to say - I have been crazy the entire time.  If you don't believe me, ask my husband.

No really, I wasn't that crazy during pregnancy.  Even though pregnancy was rough on this girl with all sickness and swelling I endured.  Boy, that swelling was pitiful.  I am thankful to have my ankles back most of the time, my wedding rings are back on, and my toes don't look like sausages any longer.  I cried during stupid commercials and movies during pregnancy but other than that, I wasn't thaaat crazy.

Now, postpartum has been different.  Your emotions go crazy.  I feel constantly judged by people on what I do with Oaks and the decisions I make for him and us.  Even though people aren't judging me... I feel like they are.  That makes me cry sometimes.  Stupid.

Another tear jerker - breastfeeding.  Breastfeeding is hard, so hard, it tests you mentally and physically.  I can't imagine not breastfeeding but boy were the first few weeks rough.  I was in constant fear of starving my child.  If he wasn't eating enough or gaining enough weight, it was my fault.  I was either not feeding him enough or my body wasn't producing enough milk to give him the proper amounts of nutrients.  How heartbreaking is that for a Mom?  You have nurtured this child for the past ten months but now your boobs suck at producing milk and you can't provide for your child properly.  Ugh, the heartbreak.  My first major meltdown after I had Oaks was when Cory suggested I supplement formula since I wasn't producing enough milk for Oaks.  I cried for two hours I think, seriously, two hours.  I felt so defeated, how could I not make enough milk for my baby?  After our three week appointment and we learned Oaks was back to his birth weight, I felt much better about breastfeeding.  Even though I still worry, wonder, and of course compare him to all other children at 6 weeks - I know that he is growing big and strong with my yummy momma juice. 

I cry when sweet stuff happens now.  Seeing Cory so in love with Oaks melts my heart.  A father who had been serving our country sees his sweet daughter for the first time, that made cry for an hour or so.  Or during church on Sunday we watched a video about a father and son.  Oh my gosh, I cried like an idiot.  Here is the video.... Derek Redmond Video......if you want to cry like an idiot too. 

It makes me want to cry when my clothes don't fit.  When I'm not down to my pre-pregnancy weight.  When I don't feel good about myself and the way I look in the mirror.  I'm working on it though, slowly but surely.

Now I'm planning on the biggest meltdown I've had yet.  I will be leaving Oaks at daycare starting next Monday.  I'm heartbroken.  No one can love him like his Momma loves him.  He needs me when he cries.  It makes me cry thinking about it.

Please pray for me.  Pray for Cory to deal with me.  Pray for Oaks as he starts his new school.  Pray for the women in the classroom as they are going to be a large part in my sons life.

Time please stop, thanks!